A Message Of Hope

 Christmas is the one day of the year that carries real hope and promise for all humankind.  It carries the torch of brother- and sisterhood.  It is the one day in the year when most of us grow big of heart and broad of mind.  It is the single day when most of us are as kind and as thoughtful of others as we know how to be; when most of us are as gracious and generous as we would like always to be; when the joy of home is more important than the profits of the office; when peoples of all races speak cheerfully to each other when they meet; when high and low wish each other well; and the one day when even enemies forgive and forget. ~ Edgar Guest

Peace On Earth In Our Family This Christmas

I have been offline for the past few months and as a result haven't updated my blog. I want to thank all of my visitors who have been here during that time. There have been several people in the various blog communities I'm a member of post comments, request friendship, etc. and I'm behind on answering those. Thanks to all of you and I'll get to those soon.

Today would've been my parents 51st wedding anniversary. I sure miss them, especially here at Christmas time.

One of the things I miss since they have passed away is our family Christmas Eve party. That was a special time for Mother and a family tradition she started. We would have sandwiches, chips & dip, and a few of her delicious pies. Then we would exchange some of our presents. You'll have to forgive me - I'm having one of those "warm, fuzzy" moments right now.

This was one of the topics my sister and I discussed when she called earlier today. We hadn't talked in several days because our off and on relationship was in the "off" mode due to a difference of opinion. She called because of Mom and Dad's anniversary. I'm glad she did; I had intended to call her.

Another topic my sister and I discussed were the deaths of two of our aunts last week. The first one was Dad's sister-in-law & the other was Mother's sister-in-law. My heart goes out to our families. Death is difficult, especially at Christmas time when all the family have hopes of being together.

These two deaths reminded me that my sister and I are the last of our family. I can remember how lonely Daddy was at times after all of his brothers and sisters were gone and especially after Mother passed away.

My sister and I won't be together this Christmas, but will be spending it with other family and friends. We'll be having our family gathering the first of the year when my niece and nephew will be here. But because we were willing to put aside our differences, we don't have to feel so alone either. We still have each other and that's the most important thing whether we're together or not.

I'm glad we have "Peace On Earth" in our family again and I truly hope you have it in your family this Christmas and the coming New Year.

"I Heard The Bells On Christmas Day"

(Henry Wadsworth Longfellow (1807-1882), 1867)

I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day
Their old familiar carols play,
And wild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

And in despair I bowed my head:
"There is no peace on earth," I said,
"For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men."

Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
"God is not dead, nor doth he sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail,
With peace on earth, good will to men."

Till, ringing singing, on its way,
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime,
Of peace on earth, good will to men!

A Bad Hair Day!

A New Hair Cut

My "Little Girl" Honey

Statistical Snapshot of College Drinking

The following information is from the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA)

The consequences of excessive and underage drinking affect virtually all college campuses, college communities, and college students, whether they are younger or older than the minimum legal drinking age and whether or not they choose to drink.

• Alcohol Consumption and Binge Drinking are Common Among College Students1


- Alcohol Consumption: About four in five of all college students drink, including nearly 60 percent of students age 18 to 20.

- Binge Drinking: Approximately two of every five college students of all ages—more than 40 percent—have reported engaging in binge drinking at least once during the past 2 weeks. However, colleges vary widely in their binge drinking rates—from 1 percent to more than 70 percent (Wechsler et al., 1994, 1998, 2000b and NSDUH 2006).

• Excessive Drinking in College Leads to Many Adverse Outcomes2
- Deaths: It is estimated that 1,700 college students between the ages of 18 and 24 die each year from alcohol-related unintentional injuries, including motor vehicle crashes (about half among students under 21)

- Injuries: It is estimated that 599,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are unintentionally injured under the influence of alcohol each year (about half among students under 21)

- Assaults: It is estimated that more than 696,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are assaulted by another student who has been drinking each year (430,000 of them by a college student under 21)

- Sexual Abuse: It is estimated that more than 97,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 are victims of alcohol-related sexual assault or date rape each year (about half among students under 21)

- Unsafe Sex: It is estimated that more than 400,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 had unprotected sex as a result of their drinking and more than 100,000 students between the ages of 18 and 24 report having been too intoxicated to know if they consented to having sex each year

- Academic Problems: It is estimated that about 25 percent of college students report academic consequences of their drinking including missing class, falling behind, doing poorly on exams or papers, and receiving lower grades overall

- Vandalism: About 11 percent of college student drinkers report that they have damaged property while under the influence of alcohol

For additional information about college drinking, go to NIAAA’s College Drinking Prevention Web site at: http://www.collegedrinkingprevention.gov/.

Notes/Additional Resources


1 Johnston LD, O’Malley PM, Bachman JG, Schulenberg JE. Monitoring the Future National Survey Results on Drug Use, 1975–2007. Volume I: Secondary School Students (NIH Publication No. 08–6418A). Bethesda, MD: National Institute on Drug Abuse, 2008, p. 26.

2 Hingson R, Heeren T, Winter M, Wechsler H. Magnitude of alcohol-related mortality and morbidity among U.S. college students ages 18–24: Changes from 1998 to 2001. Annu Rev Public Health 26:259–279, 2005.

A Natural Stress Reliever

 Have you ever had one of those times in your life when you felt really stressed out? When it seems like every little thing bugs you and someone could say something and you could blow it out of proportion? Sometimes it may even feel like you have mental cobwebs in the corners of your mind that need to be swept down.

There is a simple solution to cleaning out those cobwebs, leaving your mind calm and relaxed. Therefore making it much easier to tolerate those little things that can bug you to death. Almost anyone can do it and you don't need a lot of money to get started. The main thing you need is the will power to do it. Yes, it's that simple.

Walking is an exercise that's great for both mind and body. I have been so stressed at times that I felt like I was going to explode, but going for a walk in the fresh air and sun done wonders for my problems. I still had my problems, but they didn't bother me as much. I was more able to deal with them, instead of them dealing with me. The troubled fabric of my wrinkled mind had been ironed out. It's no surprise that sometimes I've worked out a solution or have a better idea how to work it out.

How does walking or any aerobic exercise help make your mind calm and refreshed? While you're outdoors, feeling the wind blowing on your face along with the warmth of the sun, your feet making contact with the pavement and enjoying the scenery (nice neighborhoods with manicured lawns, squirrels scampering and chattering, birds chirping) a chemical is being released in your brain. It's the same chemical that's released when you take antidepressants. It's called Serotonin.

In addition to having a calming effect on your mind, walking is a great way to reduce your weight, blood pressure, cholesterol, tone up your legs and strengthen the cardiovascular system. All leading back to feeling good about yourself.

For me, the hardest part is getting out the door. I can make all kinds of excuses to stay inside. These are just a few of them: The weather is too hot or cold; what will people think?; I don't feel like it.

Let's take a closer look at these excuses. There is nothing that can be done about the weather, except try to pick a time of day when the temperature is more comfortable. The times I don't feel like it and make myself go anyway, I usually end up feeling better. What will people think? To be honest, probably nothing. They are too busy with their own lives to give much attention to what I'm doing. If they do notice what I'm doing, what they see is nothing unusual. People walk everyday for exercise. In fact, it could be a great way to meet new friends.

As for getting out the door, sometimes it's best to remember the old Nike commercial that said "Just do it". Stop thinking about why it shouldn't be done and get out the door and keep going. It's not easy for me to stop thinking and do it, but I know I can. I've done it in the past. I've found the effort is well worth it.

Alcoholism: Getting the Facts

For many people, the facts about alcoholism are not clear. What is alcoholism, exactly? How does it differ from alcohol abuse? When should a person seek help for a problem related to his or her drinking? The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (NIAAA) has prepared this booklet to help individuals and families answer these and other common questions about alcohol problems. The information below will explain alcoholism and alcohol abuse, symptoms of each, when and where to seek help, treatment choices, and additional helpful resources.

A Widespread Problem

For most people, alcohol is a pleasant accompaniment to social activities. Moderate alcohol use--up to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women and older people (A standard drink is one 12-ounce bottle of beer or wine cooler, one 5-ounce glass of wine, or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof distilled spirits) -- is not harmful for most adults. Nonetheless, a substantial number of people have serious trouble with their drinking. Currently, nearly 14 million Americans--1 in every 13 adults--abuse alcohol or are alcoholic. Several million more adults engage in risky drinking patterns that could lead to alcohol problems. In addition, approximately 53 percent of men and women in the United States report that one or more of their close relatives have a drinking problem.

The consequences of alcohol misuse are serious--in many cases, life-threatening. Heavy drinking can increase the risk for certain cancers, especially those of the liver, esophagus, throat, and larynx (voice box). It can also cause liver cirrhosis, immune system problems, brain damage, and harm to the fetus during pregnancy. In addition, drinking increases the risk of death from automobile crashes, recreational accidents, and on-the-job accidents and also increases the likelihood of homicide and suicide. In purely economic terms, alcohol-use problems cost society approximately $100 billion per year. In human terms, the costs are incalculable.

The Important Things In Life

It's been a little over two months since I've posted and the only excuse that I can really give is that I've let other things get in the way of taking care of my blog. Despite this, there have been several who have been coming here and I do appreciate that. That has been an encouragement to start writing again.

It's been six months today since Daddy died and I thought this would be a good time to start posting again. It just doesn't seem like it's been that long. Six months ago was also a Friday and it's almost like I'm reliving it all over again.

I can still remember very vividly talking to Daddy several times that day on the phone. At least two or three of the conversations were about the bank accidentally putting his check into my account and me telling him I was on the way to straighten it out. I was surprised, but glad, he didn't get upset about it. His attitude then was like "Oh well, things like that happen".

This August 17th will be seven years since Mother passed away and it doesn't seem like it's been that long either.

I'm so glad that I still have my family: My sister & brother-in-law, my niece & her family and my nephew. I'm so glad that I still have my AA family and friends.

I'm glad that we had our mother and daddy as long as we did. I'm glad that we still have their memories to cherish.

I'm also glad that I still have my sobriety. Without that, I wouldn't be able to enjoy all that life has to offer.

For me, there's nothing more important than that.

My Blog And Why I Write

This survey is from the State Of Denmark blog.

My AP Literature and Composition students are working on their senior presentations. I have promised them that I too will complete a research project. This blog has been a huge part of my project, as I am researching why people blog. I have read several articles pertaining to my topic, but I would love to gather as much information from “real live bloggers”, if at all possible. So, if you are willing to participate, I have a few questions I would love to ask you. Perhaps we could make this a meme and you could post in on your on blog and just leave a link under my comments…..

1. How long have you been blogging?
Since November 19, 2009
2. Why did you start blogging?
I started as a way of dealing with my dad's sudden death in October
3. What have you found to be the benefits of blogging?
I enjoy both expressing myself through writing and having other people read it.
4. How many times a week do you post an entry?
I had been posting about twice a week. I've gotten behind on writing due to a class I've been trying to keep up with.
5. How many different blogs do you read on a regular basis?
I'm not reading very many blogs right now. I've found some good ones that are inspiring that I need to devote more time to reading.
6. Do you comment on other people’s blogs?
I have a few.
7. Do you keep track of how many visitors you have? Is so, are you satisfied with your numbers?
Yes, I keep track. I'd like to see more visitors to my blog.
8. Do you ever regret a post that you wrote?
The one I wrote on Christmas Eve 2009. I had said because I wasn't going to spend Christmas with my sister, I was going to spend it with friends. I ended up staying home by myself. I should have posted a follow up explaining this, but I didn't.
9. Do you think your audience has a true sense of who you are based on your blog?
I hope they do.
10. Do you blog under your real name?
No, I feel more comfortable using an alias. It gives me the feeling of being more free to be honest in what I write. The people's names that I mention have also been changed. All of the experiences I write about are real, though.
11. Are there topics that you would never blog about?
Yes, there are topics that I think would be inappropriate for this type of blog.
12. What is the theme/topic of your blog?
This blog is where I want to share with you my musings and thoughts on a variety of subjects including, but not limited to, life, death, family, friends, my struggles with addiction, Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.

Many of these posts you will find serious in nature. I’ve been told that I can get into subjects rather “deep”. I like to think of it as being philosophical. There are other times when I will try to lighten the mood.
13. Do you have more than one blog? If so, why?
No

The Rage Of OCD

When I finished  the two posts about losing my therapist Kara , I left my readers with a sense that I was dealing with what happened rather well. To be honest, I thought I was dealing with it a lot better and had begun to accept things. Having answers to some of my questions did help at that time, but when a person has OCD these feelings of acceptance can be very short lived.

More questions begin to enter my mind and I questioned these questions. I've been worrying over the details of what happened so much that I've begun to wonder if things happened the way I thought they did. I've even questioned what happened to the point of wondering if my very life was just an illusion.

I've tried to capture what it's like inside my mind during these times:

Thoughts swirl thru my mind nonstop... continually and never ending - like walking thru an endless tunnel-totally dark, nothing except these thoughts-is that a minuscule spot of light hundreds of yards ahead? Could it possibly be an end to this tunnel of torment? An end to these questions? Please! There has to be an end! Sometime, somewhere, somehow, someway there has to be an end!

Thoughts swirl like dust and debris in a storm. The wind rages. The rain blows hard. Trees are being ripped out of the ground. Thunder booms and lightening cuts through the night. The power of my thoughts rage and roar seemingly forever.

For more information on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder click here.

An Alcoholic Confronts His Addiction

Sometimes the struggle between an alcoholic and his addiction can be fierce. He knows what will happen if he takes the first drink. He remembers all the shame and guilt from all the other times when he gave into it. Yet, at times, the desire is so strong that he just doesn’t care about these things.

When I wrote this dialogue, it didn’t take me long to realize that I was going to have to get to my point and end it soon. Writing this took me back to some of those times when I let the “bottle” win. I wasn’t just seeing an empty whiskey bottle, but the color of the liquid contents as well.

Things like this can be triggers for us alcoholics. It triggers our memories of what we thought were the good times. During one of my conversations with my former therapist Kara, I told her that for me just filling up ice trays was a trigger. I still recall the funny look she gave me. She understood when I explained that I never filled up the ice trays unless I was going to the store for a bottle.


Me: What do you want? Why are you even here?

Bottle: You know the answer to those questions without asking me.

Me: The only answer I have for you is that your promises are empty lies.

Bottle: Now, you know that’s not true. But to answer your question, I’m here because you want me. We’re friends, remember?

Me: Friends? You’ve got to be joking! Friends? All the lies you’ve told me. All the misery you’ve caused.

Bottle: You sure didn’t talk this way to me all those times you drank my contents. What? Don’t you recall all the pleasure I gave you? Don’t you recall how I took all your troubles away? I’m simply here because you want these things again.

Me: Have you got an ego or what? I bet you even believe your own lies! Yeah, you gave me pleasure all right. You even took my troubles away. But when I sobered up, where were you then? Oh, you were still here. I could hear you laughing hysterically at me.

Bottle: Laughing? Me, your best friend? Why would I do that?

Me: Yeah, you. And some friend you were. Give me pleasure and take away my problems for a few hours. But then what? For days afterward all the guilt you left behind. Where were you then? Where were you when I suffered through all the things that I allowed you to cause me to do? Let me make one thing clear. I have true friends now that put you to shame! I’m through letting you shame me. Get out!

Bottle: But…

Me: I said get out!

Bottle: You don’t really want that. Wait! What are you doing? No! Don’t smash me, you’re only friend! No! Please…

Me: I know what I want and it definitely is not you!


If you or a loved one thinks you may have a problem with alcohol, please call one of the numbers below or check out these sites for help.

Alcohol Abuse and Crisis Intervention: 800-234-0246
Alcohol and Drug Abuse Helpline and Treatment: 800-234-0420
Alcohol Hotline Support & Information: 800-331-2900

How To Find AA Meetings
National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism FAQs
Mayo Clinic--Alcoholism

The Allure Of Chocolate

Thanks to my friend Starlite over at my favorite mental health forum psychcentral, I discovered that tomorrow is National Chocolate Cake Day. In honor of both that event and my friend Star, I wanted to post something about all things chocolate.

If, while reading this, you have a sudden urge for chocolate, please make a mad dash for your favorite chocolate bar and come finish reading!

What makes chocolate so appealing? The experts believe that when a person eats chocolate the chemical serotonin is released in the brain. This is the mood-elevating chemical that’s released when anti-depressants are taken. It’s also believed serotonin is released when a person exercises.

I can see a great potential here. Just think about it for a minute. You shouldn’t take any medicine you absolutely don’t have to. Besides, a lot of pills have unpleasant side effects and sometimes you just forget to take them.

The Harm Our Words Can Cause

There is an old saying that I remember from my elementary school days. Whenever someone would say something bad to another person, that person would reply, “sticks and stones my break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. Those words were very brave coming from a first or second grader. I know personally deep down inside that wasn’t true. I know words can wound a person emotionally much like stones can hurt physically. Perhaps in some ways the words do more damage than stones. Physical wounds heal over time, but sometimes emotional wounds last a lifetime.

I’ve been called names because I didn’t fit in with what my peers thought I should be. At other times I was made fun of because people didn’t like the way I looked.

One of the worst things that can happen to a young person is for an authority figure to ridicule them in front of their peers. I can recall two incidents from my past.

The first was in eighth grade science. The teacher discovered that I was embarrassed easily. At every opportunity that presented itself she was sure to call attention to my blushing. Each time this happened, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and pull it in on top of me.

Our Influence On Children

I wonder how many of us adults ever stop and think about how are actions and words affect our children, grand-children, nieces, nephews and even our friend’s children? They have such impressionable minds that are so easy for us to mold and shape. A lot of times we don’t realize the influence that we have on them.

I was standing in a check out lane at a local grocery store when I noticed a little boy and his grandfather just ahead of me. As they were waiting their turn in line, the boy’s papaw was talking to another person. When it finally became their turn at the checkout, Papaw continued with his conversation and the small boy began his struggle to reach into the buggy and place each item on the counter.

When his papaw realized what was going on, he started to unload the buggy but his grandson quickly protested. He told his papaw that he would do it! So the older man turned back to his conversation.

When the boy was almost finished, I began to wonder about the last item in the buggy. I knew it was much too heavy for the child to move, but in his mind I can imagine that he was picturing himself big enough to move it for his papaw. Finally, his papaw turned around and put the case of beer on the counter.

Update: The Turning Points Of Life

Sometimes when you’re standing at a turning point in life, it really helps to seek out answers to things that you don’t understand. There are times when seeking out answers may not help much. Such as why did a loved one have to die? In this situation about loosing my therapist, for me, seeking out answers has been crucial in helping me move on and hopefully to stop blaming people.

I think one of the keys to seeking out answers in situations like this is to wait until you’ve calmed down and are less emotional. Emotions can cloud judgments making it very difficult to understand other people’s view points.

I still don’t have all the answers as to why the doctor acted in the manner that she did, but I’m still seeking them out. I think I do understand what she meant by “Sometimes you have to take your therapists feelings into consideration”, after talking to one of Kara’s supervisors. Kara never told them that she felt she couldn’t work with me, but her supervisor asked her a more probing question. Did Kara think some of the things going on with the transference issue could stand in the way of my treatment? I think she was asking if Kara thought my feelings for her were beginning to distract me too much and I wasn’t focusing on getting better. Kara’s answer was yes, it was possible. I think that’s what the doctor meant.

There were other misunderstandings between Kara’s supervisors and me, but once again asking questions have been crucial. After I was able to think more clearly, what happened began to make more sense. I’ve even reluctantly begun to admit to myself that their decision was the right one. (Sometimes it seems like I’m just trying to convince myself of that so it won’t hurt so much.)

The Turning Points Of Life

“We stood at the turning point.”

The above quote is taken from the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous chapter 5 called “How It Works. The first part of this chapter is read at the beginning of every AA meeting.

I’ve been thinking about that phrase a lot the past few days and how it applies to my life. In the Big Book, the phrase refers to the fact that alcoholics come to a point in their life where they have to choose whether they’re going to continue drinking or choose recovery.

Before I had my slip and drank again last October 3rd, I stood at a turning point. I had the choice of giving into my cravings or doing something like calling a friend or my therapist for support. I chose to drink.

Whether a person is an alcoholic or not, everyone stands at some kind of turning point every day. We all are faced with numerous decisions to make. When my dad died, I stood at a turning point. My entire world as I knew it changed in an instant. This change was completely out of my control, but yet there were decisions for me to make. How would I choose to handle his death so I could move on with my life?

It Takes More Than Time To Heal A Wound

Some of my readers may have noticed that I like to include quotes in some of my posts. I also have some of my favorite quotes listed toward the bottom of my blog. In addition to collecting quotes, I also like to collect old sayings and when I can, find the original meaning behind them.

For instance:

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on, hence the phrase "Goodnight, sleep tight."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "Mind your P's and Q's."

When I was a child, one of my mother’s brothers asked me once if I had been “minding my P’s and Q’s.” I had no idea what he meant!

There’s another saying that I hear a lot. “Time heals all wounds.” Those sound like comforting words, especially in times of grief, but just think about that saying for a moment. Does time really heal all wounds?

Having Fun Without Drinking

I received my 3rd month AA chip last night. Monday was 3 months since I had a drink. Three months without having to suffer an emotional hangover with all the guilt. Last night during the meeting, I found myself once again thinking what if I hadn't drank. I would have almost two years. As I said before, sometimes "what if" thinking can be dangerous for addicts. It can lead to regrets and that can lead to another slip. Time to change my thinking!

I owe a lot of my success of not drinking to my friends in AA. Especially Calvin. There's hardly a day that goes by without him calling to check on me. He's always willing to help any way he can.

You ever wonder how a bunch of alcoholics can have fun on New Year's Eve without getting drunk? They get together and play cards for five hours! That's what several of us done that night at Calvin and Sherri's house. Just a friendly game of cards with low stakes. We had lots of fun!

Some Thoughts on Taking Life Too Seriously

Quite often it seems that I get so wrapped up in the details of something that I lose sight of what I'm really supposed to be doing. Take writing this post for instance. I am using Microsoft Word 2007 to write it and I'm completely new to the program. It's a lot different than the old one I was used to. So instead of focusing on getting this wrote, I get lost in trying to figure what all of this new stuff is about.

Another thing that hinders my writing is I get so involved in trying to make it just right. I spend too much time trying to research material for what I'm trying to write. After becoming so bogged down in searching through numerous websites, I can't focus on the real purpose of writing the post.

As the old saying goes "I can't see the forest for the trees". If someone can't see the [forest] for the trees, they are unable to understand what is important in a situation because they are giving too much attention to details . It's like a person walking in the woods and becoming so involved in specific facts that he fails to notice the beauty around him.

I do become much too worried about details to enjoy life sometimes. Oh yeah, I've been accused of taking life way too seriously.

Facing The New Year With Apprehension... And Reason To Be More Grateful

I always approach the New Year with apprehension. The reason for this fear comes from wondering about the future and what it holds. For me, thinking about the unknown can be scary.

Without much doubt, I'm not the only one who feels this way. Just think about the millions of dollars of anti-anxiety medicine that's sold each year and the untold number of hours that people spend with their therapists. Not to mention all the alcohol and illegal and prescription drugs that are abused by people trying to escape their fear.

The problem with trying to escape the fears of the unknown future with drugs and alcohol is that it does nothing to help you deal with any of it. When you sober up, those problems are still there and are probably much worse because of the self-medication. In fact, for the addict/alcoholic the reason for fearing the future in the first place is made more real.

The movie "It's A Wonderful Life" comes to mind while I think about this. In that movie, George Baily got to see what life would've been like if he had never been born. I like to play what if a lot. One "what if" is: What if I had been drunk the day my dad had died? What if I had been unable to talk to him several times on the phone that day? What if I had been drunk when the nurse told me he had no vital signs? In fact, if I had been drunk, I never would've answered my phone to begin with. If it bothers me now that I didn't have the chance to be with him when he died, how much more would it be bothering me if I had been unable to be at the hospital with my sister when the doctor pronounced him dead?

I could play this out further. What if I didn't have the memories of talking to him on the phone? Or worse yet, what if I had answered the phone one of those times when he called and I was drunk? That happened several years ago when Mother was still living and I remember how upset my dad got and how it broke my mother's heart.

If I had been drunk that day, not only would I really have had a reason to regret the past, I would fear the future more than I already do. Every time someone close to me dies, I realize how short my own life is. I would have more reason to fear the consequences of continuing in my addiction.

This pretending what if can sometimes be the cause of unnecessary fear and anxiety. On the other hand, it can sometimes be the cause of looking at life a little differently and being more grateful.