An Alcoholic Confronts His Addiction

Sometimes the struggle between an alcoholic and his addiction can be fierce. He knows what will happen if he takes the first drink. He remembers all the shame and guilt from all the other times when he gave into it. Yet, at times, the desire is so strong that he just doesn’t care about these things.

When I wrote this dialogue, it didn’t take me long to realize that I was going to have to get to my point and end it soon. Writing this took me back to some of those times when I let the “bottle” win. I wasn’t just seeing an empty whiskey bottle, but the color of the liquid contents as well.

Things like this can be triggers for us alcoholics. It triggers our memories of what we thought were the good times. During one of my conversations with my former therapist Kara, I told her that for me just filling up ice trays was a trigger. I still recall the funny look she gave me. She understood when I explained that I never filled up the ice trays unless I was going to the store for a bottle.


Me: What do you want? Why are you even here?

Bottle: You know the answer to those questions without asking me.

Me: The only answer I have for you is that your promises are empty lies.

Bottle: Now, you know that’s not true. But to answer your question, I’m here because you want me. We’re friends, remember?

Me: Friends? You’ve got to be joking! Friends? All the lies you’ve told me. All the misery you’ve caused.

Bottle: You sure didn’t talk this way to me all those times you drank my contents. What? Don’t you recall all the pleasure I gave you? Don’t you recall how I took all your troubles away? I’m simply here because you want these things again.

Me: Have you got an ego or what? I bet you even believe your own lies! Yeah, you gave me pleasure all right. You even took my troubles away. But when I sobered up, where were you then? Oh, you were still here. I could hear you laughing hysterically at me.

Bottle: Laughing? Me, your best friend? Why would I do that?

Me: Yeah, you. And some friend you were. Give me pleasure and take away my problems for a few hours. But then what? For days afterward all the guilt you left behind. Where were you then? Where were you when I suffered through all the things that I allowed you to cause me to do? Let me make one thing clear. I have true friends now that put you to shame! I’m through letting you shame me. Get out!

Bottle: But…

Me: I said get out!

Bottle: You don’t really want that. Wait! What are you doing? No! Don’t smash me, you’re only friend! No! Please…

Me: I know what I want and it definitely is not you!


If you or a loved one thinks you may have a problem with alcohol, please call one of the numbers below or check out these sites for help.

Alcohol Abuse and Crisis Intervention: 800-234-0246
Alcohol and Drug Abuse Helpline and Treatment: 800-234-0420
Alcohol Hotline Support & Information: 800-331-2900

How To Find AA Meetings
National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism FAQs
Mayo Clinic--Alcoholism

The Allure Of Chocolate

Thanks to my friend Starlite over at my favorite mental health forum psychcentral, I discovered that tomorrow is National Chocolate Cake Day. In honor of both that event and my friend Star, I wanted to post something about all things chocolate.

If, while reading this, you have a sudden urge for chocolate, please make a mad dash for your favorite chocolate bar and come finish reading!

What makes chocolate so appealing? The experts believe that when a person eats chocolate the chemical serotonin is released in the brain. This is the mood-elevating chemical that’s released when anti-depressants are taken. It’s also believed serotonin is released when a person exercises.

I can see a great potential here. Just think about it for a minute. You shouldn’t take any medicine you absolutely don’t have to. Besides, a lot of pills have unpleasant side effects and sometimes you just forget to take them.

The Harm Our Words Can Cause

There is an old saying that I remember from my elementary school days. Whenever someone would say something bad to another person, that person would reply, “sticks and stones my break my bones, but words will never hurt me”. Those words were very brave coming from a first or second grader. I know personally deep down inside that wasn’t true. I know words can wound a person emotionally much like stones can hurt physically. Perhaps in some ways the words do more damage than stones. Physical wounds heal over time, but sometimes emotional wounds last a lifetime.

I’ve been called names because I didn’t fit in with what my peers thought I should be. At other times I was made fun of because people didn’t like the way I looked.

One of the worst things that can happen to a young person is for an authority figure to ridicule them in front of their peers. I can recall two incidents from my past.

The first was in eighth grade science. The teacher discovered that I was embarrassed easily. At every opportunity that presented itself she was sure to call attention to my blushing. Each time this happened, I just wanted to crawl in a hole and pull it in on top of me.

Our Influence On Children

I wonder how many of us adults ever stop and think about how are actions and words affect our children, grand-children, nieces, nephews and even our friend’s children? They have such impressionable minds that are so easy for us to mold and shape. A lot of times we don’t realize the influence that we have on them.

I was standing in a check out lane at a local grocery store when I noticed a little boy and his grandfather just ahead of me. As they were waiting their turn in line, the boy’s papaw was talking to another person. When it finally became their turn at the checkout, Papaw continued with his conversation and the small boy began his struggle to reach into the buggy and place each item on the counter.

When his papaw realized what was going on, he started to unload the buggy but his grandson quickly protested. He told his papaw that he would do it! So the older man turned back to his conversation.

When the boy was almost finished, I began to wonder about the last item in the buggy. I knew it was much too heavy for the child to move, but in his mind I can imagine that he was picturing himself big enough to move it for his papaw. Finally, his papaw turned around and put the case of beer on the counter.

Update: The Turning Points Of Life

Sometimes when you’re standing at a turning point in life, it really helps to seek out answers to things that you don’t understand. There are times when seeking out answers may not help much. Such as why did a loved one have to die? In this situation about loosing my therapist, for me, seeking out answers has been crucial in helping me move on and hopefully to stop blaming people.

I think one of the keys to seeking out answers in situations like this is to wait until you’ve calmed down and are less emotional. Emotions can cloud judgments making it very difficult to understand other people’s view points.

I still don’t have all the answers as to why the doctor acted in the manner that she did, but I’m still seeking them out. I think I do understand what she meant by “Sometimes you have to take your therapists feelings into consideration”, after talking to one of Kara’s supervisors. Kara never told them that she felt she couldn’t work with me, but her supervisor asked her a more probing question. Did Kara think some of the things going on with the transference issue could stand in the way of my treatment? I think she was asking if Kara thought my feelings for her were beginning to distract me too much and I wasn’t focusing on getting better. Kara’s answer was yes, it was possible. I think that’s what the doctor meant.

There were other misunderstandings between Kara’s supervisors and me, but once again asking questions have been crucial. After I was able to think more clearly, what happened began to make more sense. I’ve even reluctantly begun to admit to myself that their decision was the right one. (Sometimes it seems like I’m just trying to convince myself of that so it won’t hurt so much.)

The Turning Points Of Life

“We stood at the turning point.”

The above quote is taken from the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous chapter 5 called “How It Works. The first part of this chapter is read at the beginning of every AA meeting.

I’ve been thinking about that phrase a lot the past few days and how it applies to my life. In the Big Book, the phrase refers to the fact that alcoholics come to a point in their life where they have to choose whether they’re going to continue drinking or choose recovery.

Before I had my slip and drank again last October 3rd, I stood at a turning point. I had the choice of giving into my cravings or doing something like calling a friend or my therapist for support. I chose to drink.

Whether a person is an alcoholic or not, everyone stands at some kind of turning point every day. We all are faced with numerous decisions to make. When my dad died, I stood at a turning point. My entire world as I knew it changed in an instant. This change was completely out of my control, but yet there were decisions for me to make. How would I choose to handle his death so I could move on with my life?

It Takes More Than Time To Heal A Wound

Some of my readers may have noticed that I like to include quotes in some of my posts. I also have some of my favorite quotes listed toward the bottom of my blog. In addition to collecting quotes, I also like to collect old sayings and when I can, find the original meaning behind them.

For instance:

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on, hence the phrase "Goodnight, sleep tight."

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "Mind your P's and Q's."

When I was a child, one of my mother’s brothers asked me once if I had been “minding my P’s and Q’s.” I had no idea what he meant!

There’s another saying that I hear a lot. “Time heals all wounds.” Those sound like comforting words, especially in times of grief, but just think about that saying for a moment. Does time really heal all wounds?

Having Fun Without Drinking

I received my 3rd month AA chip last night. Monday was 3 months since I had a drink. Three months without having to suffer an emotional hangover with all the guilt. Last night during the meeting, I found myself once again thinking what if I hadn't drank. I would have almost two years. As I said before, sometimes "what if" thinking can be dangerous for addicts. It can lead to regrets and that can lead to another slip. Time to change my thinking!

I owe a lot of my success of not drinking to my friends in AA. Especially Calvin. There's hardly a day that goes by without him calling to check on me. He's always willing to help any way he can.

You ever wonder how a bunch of alcoholics can have fun on New Year's Eve without getting drunk? They get together and play cards for five hours! That's what several of us done that night at Calvin and Sherri's house. Just a friendly game of cards with low stakes. We had lots of fun!

Some Thoughts on Taking Life Too Seriously

Quite often it seems that I get so wrapped up in the details of something that I lose sight of what I'm really supposed to be doing. Take writing this post for instance. I am using Microsoft Word 2007 to write it and I'm completely new to the program. It's a lot different than the old one I was used to. So instead of focusing on getting this wrote, I get lost in trying to figure what all of this new stuff is about.

Another thing that hinders my writing is I get so involved in trying to make it just right. I spend too much time trying to research material for what I'm trying to write. After becoming so bogged down in searching through numerous websites, I can't focus on the real purpose of writing the post.

As the old saying goes "I can't see the forest for the trees". If someone can't see the [forest] for the trees, they are unable to understand what is important in a situation because they are giving too much attention to details . It's like a person walking in the woods and becoming so involved in specific facts that he fails to notice the beauty around him.

I do become much too worried about details to enjoy life sometimes. Oh yeah, I've been accused of taking life way too seriously.

Facing The New Year With Apprehension... And Reason To Be More Grateful

I always approach the New Year with apprehension. The reason for this fear comes from wondering about the future and what it holds. For me, thinking about the unknown can be scary.

Without much doubt, I'm not the only one who feels this way. Just think about the millions of dollars of anti-anxiety medicine that's sold each year and the untold number of hours that people spend with their therapists. Not to mention all the alcohol and illegal and prescription drugs that are abused by people trying to escape their fear.

The problem with trying to escape the fears of the unknown future with drugs and alcohol is that it does nothing to help you deal with any of it. When you sober up, those problems are still there and are probably much worse because of the self-medication. In fact, for the addict/alcoholic the reason for fearing the future in the first place is made more real.

The movie "It's A Wonderful Life" comes to mind while I think about this. In that movie, George Baily got to see what life would've been like if he had never been born. I like to play what if a lot. One "what if" is: What if I had been drunk the day my dad had died? What if I had been unable to talk to him several times on the phone that day? What if I had been drunk when the nurse told me he had no vital signs? In fact, if I had been drunk, I never would've answered my phone to begin with. If it bothers me now that I didn't have the chance to be with him when he died, how much more would it be bothering me if I had been unable to be at the hospital with my sister when the doctor pronounced him dead?

I could play this out further. What if I didn't have the memories of talking to him on the phone? Or worse yet, what if I had answered the phone one of those times when he called and I was drunk? That happened several years ago when Mother was still living and I remember how upset my dad got and how it broke my mother's heart.

If I had been drunk that day, not only would I really have had a reason to regret the past, I would fear the future more than I already do. Every time someone close to me dies, I realize how short my own life is. I would have more reason to fear the consequences of continuing in my addiction.

This pretending what if can sometimes be the cause of unnecessary fear and anxiety. On the other hand, it can sometimes be the cause of looking at life a little differently and being more grateful.