The Rage Of OCD

When I finished  the two posts about losing my therapist Kara , I left my readers with a sense that I was dealing with what happened rather well. To be honest, I thought I was dealing with it a lot better and had begun to accept things. Having answers to some of my questions did help at that time, but when a person has OCD these feelings of acceptance can be very short lived.

More questions begin to enter my mind and I questioned these questions. I've been worrying over the details of what happened so much that I've begun to wonder if things happened the way I thought they did. I've even questioned what happened to the point of wondering if my very life was just an illusion.

I've tried to capture what it's like inside my mind during these times:

Thoughts swirl thru my mind nonstop... continually and never ending - like walking thru an endless tunnel-totally dark, nothing except these thoughts-is that a minuscule spot of light hundreds of yards ahead? Could it possibly be an end to this tunnel of torment? An end to these questions? Please! There has to be an end! Sometime, somewhere, somehow, someway there has to be an end!

Thoughts swirl like dust and debris in a storm. The wind rages. The rain blows hard. Trees are being ripped out of the ground. Thunder booms and lightening cuts through the night. The power of my thoughts rage and roar seemingly forever.

For more information on Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder click here.

Update: The Turning Points Of Life

Sometimes when you’re standing at a turning point in life, it really helps to seek out answers to things that you don’t understand. There are times when seeking out answers may not help much. Such as why did a loved one have to die? In this situation about loosing my therapist, for me, seeking out answers has been crucial in helping me move on and hopefully to stop blaming people.

I think one of the keys to seeking out answers in situations like this is to wait until you’ve calmed down and are less emotional. Emotions can cloud judgments making it very difficult to understand other people’s view points.

I still don’t have all the answers as to why the doctor acted in the manner that she did, but I’m still seeking them out. I think I do understand what she meant by “Sometimes you have to take your therapists feelings into consideration”, after talking to one of Kara’s supervisors. Kara never told them that she felt she couldn’t work with me, but her supervisor asked her a more probing question. Did Kara think some of the things going on with the transference issue could stand in the way of my treatment? I think she was asking if Kara thought my feelings for her were beginning to distract me too much and I wasn’t focusing on getting better. Kara’s answer was yes, it was possible. I think that’s what the doctor meant.

There were other misunderstandings between Kara’s supervisors and me, but once again asking questions have been crucial. After I was able to think more clearly, what happened began to make more sense. I’ve even reluctantly begun to admit to myself that their decision was the right one. (Sometimes it seems like I’m just trying to convince myself of that so it won’t hurt so much.)

The Turning Points Of Life

“We stood at the turning point.”

The above quote is taken from the “Big Book” of Alcoholics Anonymous chapter 5 called “How It Works. The first part of this chapter is read at the beginning of every AA meeting.

I’ve been thinking about that phrase a lot the past few days and how it applies to my life. In the Big Book, the phrase refers to the fact that alcoholics come to a point in their life where they have to choose whether they’re going to continue drinking or choose recovery.

Before I had my slip and drank again last October 3rd, I stood at a turning point. I had the choice of giving into my cravings or doing something like calling a friend or my therapist for support. I chose to drink.

Whether a person is an alcoholic or not, everyone stands at some kind of turning point every day. We all are faced with numerous decisions to make. When my dad died, I stood at a turning point. My entire world as I knew it changed in an instant. This change was completely out of my control, but yet there were decisions for me to make. How would I choose to handle his death so I could move on with my life?

Still Struggling With Worry Over Daddy's Death

In my December 12th post "The Consequences Of Not Properly Coping With My Anger", I mentioned that my therapist Kara had pointed out that my dad didn't have control over his death and I had begun to realize that I had no reason to be mad at him.

While I was writing that, another thought occurred to me and I've still been thinking about it. I've heard about people dying just because they give up on living for one reason or another. Daddy had suffered from chronic back pain for years and it seemed, especially closer to the end of his life, not much was helping it. Did Daddy die because he was tired of living with his pain?

According to one website "Depression may play a part in premature death due to other causes, such as heart disease." Certainly Daddy's back pain caused him to be depressed a lot. That, coupled with his diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder would really aggravate his problems.

Daddy definitely worried a lot about other things. He continually worried about having enough money despite the fact the nursing home was taking care of all his needs. I keep thinking about what I said earlier about getting mad at him. I did give him a lot of grief. Maybe he never really got over that. Another log added to the fire of worry.

Does it really make sense that Daddy died because he just gave up? The coroner said he had hardening of the arteries around his intestines that caused his death. How could he have control over that? Could depression have played some part in that?

Now that I've thought of this, the O.C.D is going to gnaw at me. Yeah, I know someone would tell me " Try not to worry - there's nothing you can do to change the situation." Hearing that never helps. It just makes me angry and adds more worry.