The Day My Life Changed
This entry was origianly written on 10/27/09:
The last few days have seemed so unreal. It's like I'm in a bad dream and waiting to wake up and find that everything is alright. But I know it's no dream and things are a long way from being alright. Last Friday afternoon (Oct. 23, 2009) , my dad passed away very suddenly and unexpected.
I had talked to him several times that day. Friday morning he sounded rather up beat. That afternoon, I could tell that he wasn't feeling good. (The night before he had fallen and they took him to the ER. CAT Scan and X-Rays showed he was OK. The only thing was that the fall hurt his back.) He was in a lot of back pain and he complained of being very constipated. If we had only known the constipation was a symptom of a much greater problem.
The last time that I talked to Daddy was 4:05 PM. I had talked to his nurse a little earlier. She had given him a pain pill around 1:00PM and the next one wasn't due until another 12 hours. The nurses were in the middle of a shift change and they would give him some laxative as soon as they could.
About 5:50, his nurse called me. She said they had found Daddy a few minutes earlier. He was unresponsive and had no vital signs. The ambulance was taking him to the ER. To make a long story short, by the time my sister and I got to the hospital, our Daddy was already gone. I'm rather sure he was dead before he left the nursing home.
The coroner decided to perform an autopsy. They found that Daddy had hardening of the arteries around his intestines that had blocked his bowels. He had complained of constipation the day before, but not as bad as Friday. I don't fully understand how that ended his life, but one of our cousins who is a nurse, told us if it had been caught in time he could've had emergency surgery that might have saved his life.
To being with, my only regret was that I wasn't there with him when he died. If I had only known... Then yesterday I started wondering how much pain he was in when he took his last breath. I wondered what it was like for him when he died. I'm afraid that it wasn't a painless death.
The funeral was yesterday afternoon. When I got back home, it just didn't seem real. I thought that really wasn't my dad in that casket and if I called his phone he would answer. I'm sure that when the full effect hits me I will have a lot more regrets.
It's just my sister and me now.... And I feel alone...
Thankfully, there are people who have been here for me to lean on. My sister and I have pulled together for each other. My friend Calvin has been by my side ever since Friday night at the hospital. He says that's part of the program of AA. He says he considers me like a brother. I'm reminded of that verse, "A friend sticks closer than a brother". Perhaps Calvin is not only my best friend, but the brother I never had. I am so thankful for him. Of course my therapist has been very supportive.
They are not the only ones... The people from Daddy’s church, our relatives, even those we're not really close to.
All of these people help, but I suppose when it comes right down to it, each of us is left all alone with our own grief.
Even though my Dad is no longer with us, I will never think of it as our relationship is over. He will forever be in my heart and in my mind.
